Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
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I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome