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Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Covid like
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor