*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
You Might Also Like
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape