Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
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Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
twitter users today:
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?