The Weeknd is back
You Might Also Like
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
This has made my week.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?