I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
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*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?