Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
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Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
*pokes sex life with a stick
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Are you a cat person or a person person?
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.