That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
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What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box