Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
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When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Fidel Castro was alive?
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*