[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
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Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.