Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
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Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
absolutely not
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.