Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
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But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.