Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
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I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Do one person every day that scares you.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered