Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
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i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
bad news gang
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn