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HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I鈥檓 gonna nail this chick鈥檚 eardrum!
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids鈥’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Unimpressed
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 馃槶
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
If you feel like you鈥檙e about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we鈥檙e running out of time
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes