[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
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“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!