me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
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Awwwww shit.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪