Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
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I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Just me and my debit card against the world
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”