clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
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“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.