[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
You Might Also Like
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
new career option?
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
“no gods no masters” = leo
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
live long and prosper!
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.