My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
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I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.