My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
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I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.