me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
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Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
I will never stop laughing at this
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
No regrets in 2018
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?