I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
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A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Come back with a warrant
It’s the weekend y’all
new career option?
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.