This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
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Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.