My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
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I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.