Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
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Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Sell your car
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!