Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
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Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby