Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
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That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan