Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
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[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
what do you want!!!!!!!!
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.