my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
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You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?