Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
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I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”