There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
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When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.