Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
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me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
I’m aging like a fine banana
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.