Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
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marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Usage Guidelines
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?