Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
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What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
I’m awake but I object,
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?