I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
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“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.