My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
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Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Meme Monday.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.