Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
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January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
FINE, I WON’T.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there