Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
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How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does