I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
You Might Also Like
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.