Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
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Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Happy Febuary everyone!