Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
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Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
If only
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside