You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
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I gave up going to work for lent.
Don’t talk down to me
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
any last words?
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
I have a black belt in leather
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.