gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
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Friends that check up on you >
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Not😆🤣
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994