I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
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*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
opening a flower shop called women in stem
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken