them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
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Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
☠️☠️☠️
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Hey Fugeddaboutit
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.