When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
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Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.