Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
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girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled