8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
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“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]